A Prayer For Hope & Faith

It had been a very emotional week. With the wedding coming up in 2 1/2 months time, the house which is not even fully furnished yet, and of course, not forgetting the $$ constraints we're facing now, I feel like I am going to burst any time any day.

If you don't have the $$ to get married, even if your parents pester you to, don't. You got to spend for your bridal photography, rent gowns, flowers, shoes, wedding rings, ROM (registration of marriage) fees, deposit for the dinner function, actual day photographer/videographer, wedding favors, make-up artists, etc. These alone can come up to RM 5-10k. Then in comes the Chinese traditions where the guy must buy the bed, give 'lai kam' and whatever fruits and biscuits crap (roasted piglet too), must give 'tables' to the girl's side. If I'm marrying someone from an utterly rich family, I won't give a damn. But hey, how can I expect my other half to bear all the cost when we both are struggling to make ends meet? Or expect his family to provide the finances when they have spent more than half of their pension $$ on the house for us?

"The guy's side must pay for this one and that one. It's tradition. Must follow".
"Why are you demanding all this from the guy's side, like you are selling me off? Can't you forget about tradition and be considerate a bit?"
"I didn't know the price I have to pay for your purchase".

Oh! How about the dinner? You'd need to allocate another RM 10-25k for that. It doesn't matter whether the 'angpows' can cover back the cost or you get profit out from them. Talking about this, seriously, why do one even think about profits for your wedding? Is wedding supposed to be a business? And why the need to write down how much each person gives? I personally feel that 'angpows' are given at freewill, regardless of the amount of $$ put into the red packets. You give 10 cents also I don't care. Really. I hate the idea of "Wah.. So and so give RM 5. So kiam siap!". Or "Wah.. So and so gave RM 2k. Must belanja makan". Even if you want to keep track of the total amount (in case if someone steals the $$), can't we just number the angpows or something and then label them like, "Angpow #1 - RM 25. Angpow #2 - RM 8" ?

The other ridiculous thing is that 'angpows' must be divided accordingly - They go either to the girl's side or the guy's side, cannot let the guy's side 'untung' from the girl's side or vice versa. If we're talking about relatives and colleagues, then it's fair enough. But how about friends? We have sooooo many common friends. How are we, or why must we make our friends to decide who is who's friend? For example, Babyface was my primary school classmate. But he and Inspector were best friends during secondary school days. Whose friend is he? Or when I got to know Aneh through Inspector during college (they were classmates then) and then Aneh became my classmate and my 'heng tai' during uni years. How do we categorize him then? Or how about Gummy whom I've known for most of my entire life, who is also a very close friend to Inspector? I don't know, I just find it so darn ridiculous. Can't we just collect all the 'angpows' and record them all as under both of us only - Pay for the dinner and the rest goes into our honeymoon, our house and loans? Shouldn't this be fair enough?

I just don't get it sometimes. It's true that we are Chinese, we need to follow the traditions. But why should we still follow it when we're not even comfortable with them and we're burdened by them instead? I'd wish we can just get registered, hold a simple dinner, say 1 table, for our family, or buffet or something, and then off for honeymoon. But no... "You want simple, ok. But I want to invite so and so this person, so and so that person." "Must have good food". *Gah!* It was too much for me to handle that I just broke into tears last weekend. Don't ask me where will our honeymoon be coz we don't know.

On another note, Inspector and I are both still in a dilemma concerning our jobs - to move on or to stay on. Reasons being financial issue of course and our job functions are too stagnant already. The sad thing for me is that I can clearly see there's no future for me in my current company. I can choose to move horizontally but definitely not vertically... Unless NR decides to switch job or moves higher in the managerial level, but that's like a wish that will never come true. And with the salary I'm drawing out here, it's not gonna be enough to help Inspector in our daily living expenses, what's more to want to set up a family. One by one, my close colleagues are leaving. It was Koala Bear in March. This month was a trainee (her training ended). Next month will be Labu's turn. Ketua is hoping to leave in May if she secures the coming interview. Another colleague is thinking of leaving in June. I know it's not wise for me to switch jobs now, at least not until the wedding is over. Hopefully I'll take the July slot then. Anyone wanna hire me?

Last night when everyone was asleep, I took the time to pray. With Lenny LeBlanc's song, "There Is None Like You" playing from my notebook, I prayed for strength to pull us through all these. For guidance to show us the path to choose. For patience to keep everyone united and less arguments. I prayed for fellow blogger, Lisa that she will recover. That she will wake up real soon. That her parents will not give up the fight. Even though I do not know her, nor that she knows me, I believe in His powers. I believe in miracles. With the support from her family and friends, I believe she can wake up from her long sleep. I believe everyone's waiting for that one miracle.

This morning on my way to work, I still couldn't shake off everything that's still going on in my mind. Just when moments like these are wearing me down and I'd just feel like saying "Fuck all these!", two not one, rainbows appeared before me...

The first rainbow I saw.. Taken from my phone camera.

Red and yellow and pink and green
Purple and orange and blue

I can sing a rainbow
Sing a rainbow
Sing along with me.

If that's not a sign of faith and hope, I don't know what it is then..